The Premier League kits for 2012

With the start of the BPL (Barclays Premier League....doesn't sound as nice as the English Premier League but that damn Swansea are part of the league) 1 week away & the transfer market basically doing the exact opposite of whatever the rumour mill says it should do, we focus on something more accurate, important & relative to winning the league - KIT DEALS.

Below are the kits for 2012/13 season along with our little rating:

Arsenal:

Home - what they did here was spend 10 minutes discussing ideas & eventually decided to use last season's kit. They added the Dutch flag to both arms in an attempt to keep RVP. Bold tactic, let's see how it plays out for them.
Rating: 2/10

Away - this hurts my head. It's makes my bowels move disapprovingly. To call this shit would offend my excrement. I'd rather play naked with Marmite over my genitals.
Rating: 0.0034/10

Aston Villa:

Home - I once contracted a Genting from peeing in a public area. That aside, we'd prefer if it were just Mandarin on the top since that's awesome. Nice kit though.
Rating: 6/10

Away - This is fantastic!! This is what we want to see!! Who needs floodlights when you glow in the dark? Excellent kit. Still would prefer the Cantonese > English.
Rating: 9/10

Chelsea:

Home - Adidas have consistently made awesome kits for the rich blue bastards, and they've done it again. Fantastic gear. I'd wear it to a club.

Rating: 8/10

Away - Here it is guys, the best kit in the BPL for 2012/13. As voted for by millions and millions.......of brain cells in my head. Thank you for voting too. Voting closed this morning. WINNER!!! CHELSEA BLACK (non-racist colour) & GOLD (non-racist colour). Stare at it too Black & Yellow by Wiz Kalifa.

Rating: 10/10

Everton:

Home - We really like the drawing of the elephants sipping on the water from the fountain of life.....reminds us of Phil Neville. Relevant.

Rating: 6/10

Away - Just look at this piece of art! It's fantastic. I'd wear it with pointy shoes & a blazer. Too pretty for a muddy pitch. This would win, but we gave it to the rich guys instead. Poor people never really win anything...in life that is.

Rating: 9.7/10

Fulham:

Home - It's last season's kit but with lines in it. Still more creative than Arsenal, but nobody likes lines.

Rating: 4/10

Away - I hear people crying out loud 'Is that Wolves?'. No it's not. It's Fulham. Away.

Rating: 5.5/10

Liverpool:

Home - Footiecall were part of the Warrior launch and are therefore contractually bound to remind you all of how beautiful the new Warrior Liverpool kit is. Hmmmm, yum. All of this sex and for the give away price of £50. Mention Footiecall and you might get a discount!! 

Rating: 8/10

Away - Another gem from Warrior here. They took their name (Warrior) and re-invented the chain-mail which made legends such as King Arthur famous. Forget 'Knights of the Round Table' here are the 'Knights of the Mid-Table' 

Rating: 8/10

3rd kit - Since we prefer the Warrior gear to most others, we're showing you 3. This one was supposed to look ridiculously purple (like Arsenal's piece of shit) but it's actually better than we thought. We like the Agger-esque fake tattoo's on the arm. Will this sign of respect from Warrior help to keep Agger? I don't know.

Rating: 8.5/10

Man City:

Home - Last season + a collar. Interesting fact, if you buy this from their online store, you get free gold Premier League badges. Also, this top is cheaper than most others out there at a mere £45. This is because City don't need money, they need fans.

Rating: 5/10

Away - People criticised Gareth Barry for bringing nothing creative (or nothing at all) to The Etihad, but little do they know that he brought with him the blueprint to Aston Villa's gear.

Rating: 3/10

Man United:

Home - 'The Divine Tablecloth' was taken directly from aunt Betty's table & moulded around the torso of Lucas Moura (who now plays for PSG). Is it nice? No. Is it Divine? I don't know.

Rating: 4/10

Away - The key difference with the United away gear is that it looks nothing like the home gear. We don't really have a silly name for this gear.....it's good.

Rating: 9/10

Newcastle:

Home - Yes the full kit does include the bag & a spare French passport in case you (as a player) have lost yours. 

Rating: 5/10

Away - This is actually the 3rd kit. We like the clash of the gold badge & the black top. Very post-war-chic-bohemian-rouge.

Rating: 6/10

Norwich:

Home - The sad truth is that they've had worse, and this still isn't any good. They're nickname is the Canaries....I guess they're forced to.

Rating: 2/10

Away - Not much better than the home gear. What's an Aviva? Avivalive campaign?

Rating: 2/10

QPR:

Home - 'Hi mate I'll have a hake & chips parcel please....oh sorry you play for QPR in their awful chip shop looking gear?' 

Rating: 1/10

Away - Not nice either really. I'm not sure how they're supposed to keep Barton calm while dangling a red flag in front of him the whole day. Appalling.

Rating: 3/10

Reading:

Home - This is how a kit should look. Plain. They'll get a plain score also.

Rating: 6/10

Away - Plain. But just in yellow. Actually doesn't look that great does it?

Rating: 3/10

Southampton:

Home - We don't particularly care too much for the kit, but this picture (which you can find on their website) is pretty awesome. Just look at it!!!

Rating: 6/10

Away - We're quite upset that there isn't a picture of Matt Le Tissier on the front of their top. We are furious actually. We walked out of the office & had to take a smoke break to recover from the disappointment.

Rating: 2/10

Stoke City:

Home - It's the same kit designer who took on the Arsenal home shirt job. This time he's copied last season's gear for Stoke.

Rating: 2/10

Away - I feel that they're channeling the Bayern Munich 1996 with this. Will they play as good? Don't be ridiculous.

Rating: 4/10

Sunderland:

Home - Man United reserves will look good in this gear, especially O Shea. Invest in Africa? Is that a company or just a hash trend?

Rating: 7/10

Away - This is good. Looks like a swimsuit. We think Bendtner will look hot in this. He might be the best looking man on the planet. He might be.

Rating: 8.5/10

Swansea:

Home - What a beautiful kit!! Looks a lot like Liverpool's beautiful white gear from 2011/12. Hey, they even took the liver bird. #WhoIsJoeAllen will look great in this next season for Liverpool.....no wait.

Rating: 8.7/10

Away - Wait, this is ridiculous. Is this Liverpool? Where are you Brendan Rodgers? Why's there a Liver bird on this thing? Who is Joe Allen? If Liverpool & Swansea got drunk and had a kid, this is what the kid would look like.

Rating: 5/10

Tottenham:

Home - Spurs have always had a good looking home gear, but this season they've outdone themselves. Close to perfection (Chelsea's away kit), very close indeed. Imagine how awesome our muscles would look in this. Imagine how Bale's ears will look in this.

Rating: 9/10

Away - And at last they have an away kit which doesn't look too bad either. Will Modric look good in this? Will Modric be there? Will you still love me tomorrow? Will.I.Am?

Rating: 6/10

West Brom:

Home - Who really cares about West Brom?

Rating: 5/10

Away - Who cares about....hey hang on, what's a Zoopla? I'd like one of those.

Rating: 5/10

West Ham:

Home - Similar to their previous 105 years of kits, but the elegant collar puts it ahead of its predecessors. How long have they had this sponsor?

Rating: 7/10

Away - They must have had this sponsor for years! Seriously! Since Bobby Moore days. Wait, we love Warrior, but seriously, what's a Macron? Do they make Macron boots? I'd never wear that.

Rating: 4/10

Wigan:

Home - The big question on everybody's lips: 'what will Wigan look lie as they avoid relegation again this season on the last day?'. Well here's your answer. It's different actually, but not too bad.

Rating: 6/10

Away - This is really good looking. I could easily not get relegated if I was wearing this! Is it some sort of bee-hive or spider-web? It's awesome!! Can it climb walls & deflect bullets? Yes, I believe it can.

Rating: 8.5

Well there you go. Hopefully you have some understanding of what your team's achievements will be next season. Congratulations to Chelsea for buying their way into our hearts & winning the Footiecall Kit of the Barclays Premier League 2012/13 Edition......or as we like to call it, the FOKOBPL2012/13E.