The Worst EPL winners
– Top XI
(this piece is
dedicated to that bloke on Twitter who put forward the challenge. I hope you
like it bloke-from-twitter).
So we’ve had 20
seasons of this thing called “The (Carling/Barclaycard/Barclays) Premier League” and to most of us it’s best
thing since sliced bread. Most of the world would agree it’s the most
enthralling, exciting and interesting league in the world. 5 great teams have
won the league so it’s pretty exclusive….. “hold
on!! If it’s pretty exclusive, how come Gareth Barry has a league medal?”
Well yes, there have
been a few people who simply jumped on board a winning ship & either didn’t
lend a hand, or were so rubbish that they don’t deserve a winners medal. I’ve
put together the Worst EPL Winners ever into a lovely 2-5-3 formation (I'll explain later). Take a
look at some people who don’t even deserve a clap:
Goalkeeper:
Name: Raymond Van Der
Gouw
Club: Manchester
United
Year: 2000-2001
Story: Raymond played
10 games for United (5 as a sub) this season, which is a total of 537 minutes
on the pitch. In the 10 lovely games in which he played, United managed to
concede 16 goals. For this, he was rewarded a Premier League medal.
Hi-fives Raymond!!
 |
| How! I am chief of this goal. You may enter. |
Defence:
Name: Pascal Cygan
Club: Arsenal
Year: 2003-2004
Story: He made 18
appearances to earn himself an EPL medal & while some may argue that he was
good…here’s a song made by the Arsenal fans about the poor guy – “He’s bald, he’s shit, he gets a game when
no-one’s fit. Pascal Cygan! Pascal Cygan!”
 |
| Give me a hug Mark, I'm bald. |
Name: Ronnie Wallwork
Club: Manchester
United
Year: 2000-2001
Story: 12 appearances
in the 00/01 season “earned” Ronald a medal. You don’t even know him do you?
Recently Ronnie was caught talking on his cell phone & fined £35. Oooff.
 |
| I sold my medal to pay my fines. |
Midfield:
Name: Luis Boa Morte
Club: Arsenal
Year: 1997-1998
Story: Luis
successfully spent 3 years at Arsenal without scoring a Premier League goal. His
15 appearances in 1997-98 helped Arsenal lift the trophy (“helped used loosely”).
 |
| I am not Ian Wright. I'm Luis Wrong. |
Name: Luke Chadwick
Club: Manchester United
Year: 2000-2001
Story: His good looks
made more headlines than his special year at Royal Antwerp (somewhere on
Earth). He came back to United in 2000 as a fully-fledged Twerp & single-handedly
won the EPL.
 |
| It says "I met Luke Chadwick at Merlins swap shop tour 2002" |
Name: Gareth Barry
Club: Manchester City
Year: 2011-2012
Story: I don’t care how
many stats you throw at me, I’ve seen this man play with my own eyes….more than
once….and he gave me cancer. If you disagree then please repeat the following
10 times before commenting & then tell me I’m wrong: “Gareth Barry is so amazing and great at football and controls the
midfield so well”
 |
| I style my hair on my mum's curtains. |
Name: Jordi Cruyff
Club: Manchester United
Year: 1996-1997
Story: He’s Jordi not
Johan….end of story. 16 apps = EPL winner.
 |
| WhopeeeeeeeepeeppeeppeeppeeIneedtopeeeee |
Name: Robbie Slater
Club: Blackburn Rovers
Year: 1994-95
Story: Who? The Australian. Where? Won a medal after playing 12
times & not scoring for Blackburn in 94/95. No I don’t know him? You must remember the ginger spikes? Yes. Not really.
 |
| Who are ya! Who are ya! |
Forwards:
Name: Christopher Wreh
Club: Arsenal
Year: 1997-1998
Story: Yes, the
Liberian who liberated the librarian in Liberia from lesbians. Agreed he cost roughly
less than the boots he used to wear, but the funny part of this story is that
Chris went on to play in the Ryman (semi to non-professional) league. Me &
you could have played next to an EPL winner.
 |
| George Weah's cousin... |
Name: Jermaine
Aliadiere
Club: Arsenal
Year: 2001-2002
Story: He was supposed
to be the NEXT BIG THING, but actually wasn’t Premier League quality. He spent
4 seasons at Arsenal scoring a combined total of 1 (one, solo, single) Premier
League goal before scoring nothing
at Celtic, and then scoring nothing
at West Ham, eventually scoring twice at Wolves before returning to Arsenal in
2006 to score some more nothings. As
a striker, scoring 3 league goals across 7 or 8 seasons might be frowned upon.
 |
| The elusive goal looked miles away to Jermaine... |
Name: Mike Newell
Club: Blackburn Rovers
Year: 1994-1995
Story: Everybody
remembers Alan “1 celebration” Shearer and Chris “I wear Patrick boots” Sutton,
but nobody remembers poor Mike….probably because the striker managed to not
score a single goal that season. 2 starts and many sub appearances earned him a
shiny EPL winners medal. Nobody deserves it more than you Mike.
 |
| International details: None |
Since this team is made up of rubbish, I thought I’d use a rubbish tactic for them.
Here’s the Worst EPL
Winning XI Ever, in their favourite 2-5-3 formation:
We managed to ship in a French Photoshop expert to represent this team in the best fashion for you. He was late though & spoke French, so we asked our friend Jeff to make the above instead. Thanks Jeff.
Roy Carroll (MUFC
02-03) GK
Gilles Grimandi (AFC
97-98) CB
Dion Dublin (Man
United 92-93) FW
So there you have it. Would you put any of these guys in your dream team? Can you believe that some of them have won a Premier League medal! The thought is scary. We should ask them to return it & offer it to Steven Gerrard, Ledley King, Matt Le Tissier & other legends who deserve a medal.
Please add your own suggestions, but remember - THEY MUST BE A WINNER OF THE EPL.
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